By: John Silva
The following essay comes to you via Silva’s vault of wisdom that he has acquired from others. Sometimes even with their knowledge… and, sometimes not so much. This story is a gift to you that could change your life… or not. When you say “I can’t” it is a signal to others that you are weak and will more than likely fail or are about to fail. Whether what you are thinking is true or just an easy way out, it is extremely debilitating to you and your future. This isn’t always true, but it is what I was thinking at the time.
When I was studying architecture at the University of Illinois, Chicago Circle, I knew that even if that was how I felt… I had to suppress it. You never said I can’t. There is always a way to succeed. To show a sign of weakness or uncertainty during a presentation was definitely a no-no. If you didn’t believe in yourself, why should anyone else believe in you? Sometimes it was like pretending you could walk on water, but sometimes could get you through a rough patch.
I conquered my “I can’t” problem by using a very simple idea available to everyone. I would ask myself… If someone would pay me ten thousand dollars (or a hundred thousand dollars or a million dollars), could I solve this problem? It was amazing! In short order, I had two or three viable solutions. Try it.
It really opens up your mind and helps you to think outside the box. Some people think of themselves as someone else. You can ask yourself what would The Unsinkable Molly Brown, Doctor Who, Superwoman, Tiger Woods or whoever floats your boat do if they had to deal with this problem? You could say what would Donald Trump do? And, then do it. Even now… fifty years later, I still try hard not to use those two spirit-crushing words… I can’t.
Some time ago, I came across a wonderful story about a fifth-grade teacher that was frustrated because when she showed her students how to do something a number of them would say ”I can’t” before they even tried.
Now, some of the other students were developing the same habit much too often. Although, the teacher knew this could not continue… she wasn’t quite sure how to stop it. In the four years it took to earn her teaching degree none of her teachers had even mentioned this kind of problem.
Unwilling to let this continue, she gave her students a two-part assignment. First, they had to make a list of things they could do. Then on a separate sheet of paper, she had them make a list of things that they couldn’t do. Next, each student shared their lists with the class. When they said they couldn’t do something, the teacher asked the class if they had any suggestions on how the “I can’t” item could be changed into an “I can” item.
One student said she couldn’t ride her new two-wheel bike. A classmate told her how her older brother had her practice on a surface with a slight downward incline. That allowed her to coast and she didn’t have to pedal and steer at the same time. Brilliant!
Another student said he couldn’t learn his times tables… It was just too hard. A classmate shared how visiting his grandmother helped him learn his times table. Turns out, grandma gave him a chocolate chip cookie every time he learned another row of the times table. And so it went. The teacher was happy and relieved. She had helped her students to overcome a terrible attitude that’s easy to slip into. And, she also gave them the opportunity to give and receive which is also a powerful thing to learn as well.
After all of the I Can and Cant’s were dealt with, the teacher took the entire class outside and she had all students help dig a three-foot long by three-foot wide by two feet deep hole. The teacher told her students to crumple up their “I can’t” papers and toss them into the hole and then they filled in the hole burying the I cants. Then, she announced that the words ‘I can’t” could not be said in her class anymore as they were dead and buried.
As the years went by, some of her students from the “I can’t” class came back to visit her. Most of them recalled burying their “I can’t” list with fond memories. Some of them even shared how they were able to change “I can’t” situations into “I can” situationsin their life experences.
To be sure, there are times when working hard and having a positive attitude is not enough, and you really can’t do anything to change events. But, even in these dire times, your attitude can still make a difference. You can refuse to let the darkness overwhelm you, and you can find positive opportunities even in the worst of times.
I know this is true because on November 16, 2016, my wife died. We had done our best, but neither she nor I could stop the destructive effects of her diabetes which was an unfortunate side effect of getting too much prednisone during the process of undergoing a liver transplant twenty years earlier. In fact, her liver was just about the only organ that was still working.
In the end, kidney failure, recurring blood loss, wildly fluctuating blood pressures, heart problems and finally a massive stroke killed her. In spite of what seemed like hundreds of tests, over twenty ever-changing prescription drugs, invasive procedures, MRI’s, X-rays, CT scans, surgeries, months spent in hospitals and rehab facilities, endless 911 calls and trips to the ER, she never gave up. But, in the end, nothing could prevent her death. But, I was not helpless. I could still comfort her and make the most of our last days together. I never left her side at the hospice facility. I moved the lazy boy next to her bed, and I held her hand all night long. I did not want her to feel abandoned.
After her stroke, Kay was unable to respond in any way, but the staff said she could still hear. Even in this painful situation, there were opportunities. Each time I called a friend, a neighbor or a relative, I would explain that Kay was dying, but she could still take in information because she could still hear. Then, I would ask them if they would like me to hold the phone next to her ear so they could share a memory or express their love to her or even just say goodbye. This simple gesture gave people who cared about Kay the opportunity to share their love with her at this very intimate and personal time.
As we went through these difficult times, one of my favorite quotes was “Don’t be sad it’s over… be glad it happened!” which helped us to keep everything in perspective. We could focus on the wonderful and sometimes tumultuous 20 years that we had together. It was a gift that we received and enjoyed… and we chose to consider death just a door to the next incredible phase of our lives. Can you even imagine what’s next?
In closing, here are three thoughts to take with you. “Good, bad, or somewhere in between… every day is a gift” and precious. So, don’t waste them. Also, “Happiness is a choice.” That’s right, you can “choose” to be happy. In this cosmic wonder we live in, each day only happens once. Then it is gone forever. So, while you can, try to touch the lives of those around you with your love, happiness, and joy. And just in case you haven’t noticed… we are all getting closer to the eighteenth hole and some of us can even see the flag. Lastly,
Don’t be sad it’s over. Be glad it happened!