By: John Silva – August, 2022
The Netflix series Explained contains an excellent episode titled Forgiving. The following thoughts are loosely based on this episode. The whole series is actually quite good.
Dick and Jane were partners and they loved each other very much. However, from time to time they found themselves at odds with each other. Sometimes, like this time, it was worse… much worse.
Dick and Jane were angry… red hot angry. They had said things that hurt each other and received an equally hurtful response. She said she was sorry she ever married him. He said, when it came to money she didn’t have anything even remotely resembling a brain..
Dick and Jane had hurt each other and they were also both hurting. They couldn’t understand why at times their partner could be so mean. Most of the time, they were just wonderful… well at least some of “most of the time” they were wonderful.
They felt sorry for what they had said and done, and they wanted to apologize to each other. But, they didn’t see why they had to be the one to apologize. Why did he have to be so stubborn? Or, why was she so unreasonable? Why couldn’t he just do what she had politely asked him to do? Why couldn’t she… etc. Sound familiar?
When couples have a disagreement, they struggle to maintain some sense of what they consider to be fair in their relationship. If they don’t feel something is fair, they are probably not going to agree to try it.
However, this essay isn’t about the why. It’s about what happens after you let the dogs out. Where do you start? How do you put the pieces back together? In spite of being the children of a most magnificent creator, we seem to have a penchant for creating way too much drama. But, then, Adam and Eve weren’t exactly model citizens either. Were they?
To our credit, at least at first, we do seem to have a deep desire to right the ship… to crawl out of the ditch and to try and do better the next time it happens. The problem is it happens again and again and again. When that happens it gets old pretty fast.
A crucial part of the process is to ask for and receive forgiveness. And, just in case you are brain dead… it’s usually not a one way street. This is what I feel compelled to write about because without forgiveness healing is difficult and often leaves the wound unhealed. This is our focus. Are you ready? Let’s begin.
STEPS TO BEING FORGIVEN
One of episodes in the Netflix series Explained is titled Forgiving. This program shows how the wounds caused by apartheid in South Africa were healed. These wounds were very deep and left many scars and horrible memories. How could these atrocities be forgiven?
- Express remorse and focus on yourself and what you did.
I am so sorry. I overreacted. I got angry. Just in case your brain has decided to take a nap. You should notice the lack of “you” words in this process. “You” words can explode and blow off a hand, or an eye, or your head. - Acknowledge the harm. And, understand that when there is an explosion, there is always harm.
I see that what I said hurt you. I see the harm that I have caused. And, don’t even think about slipping a “you” word in there. Unless of course you think dropping a nuclear bomb will help. - Take responsibility & express what you were feeling.
I understand that I was wrong. I was feeling threatened. This one can be tricky. Because right about now it is a whole lot easier to subtly shift the blame to the other person (who we know is always at fault anyway… Not!) For example, if you slip in the word “but” you are starting to shift the responsibility from yourself to the other person. I’m responsible, “but” it really is their fault because they made me angry. You have shifted the responsibility from you to them. This is not good. It will come back and bite you.
Don’t try and deflect blame
If only I hadn’t stopped for a beer, I wouldn’t have gotten stopped by that long freight train. And, I would not have missed the birth of our first child. (i.e. It was the beer’s fault.)
Or, shift blame away to another issue. - Offer your explanation
- Offer to try and repair the damage
- Commitment to a lasting resolution
- And then you can ask for forgiveness
Dick considers his options. If he doesn’t apologize, his relationship with Jane will remain broken and they both will continue to be unhappy or worse. If he apologizes, Jane might see him as weak or it will be easier for her to get her way next time at his expense. Should I wait or should I try? If I hold out maybe she’ll give in and I won’t have to lose face. If I wait, something bad could happen that can’t be undone.
Jane considers her situation. If she doesn’t do something, this kind of problem will continue and will probably get worse over time. Should she just accept his behavior and suck it up? Should she say part or all of it was her fault? What to do? What to do?
IN A PERFECT WORLD
If you can avoid knee jerk explosive responses, asking questions is almost always better than making statements. For example, Dick could ask a question… How important was it to you that I did what you asked me to do today instead of putting it off until tomorrow which usually never comes? Or, he can make a statement and say. If you would have done this when I asked you to do it none of this would have happened.
IN A PERFECT WORLD
“I” statements will usually produce better results than making “You” statements. The emphasis is on owning… not blaming. Jane says “I” wasn’t very sympathetic or she could say “You” don’t understand.
HOW TO GET STARTED?
Either Dick or Jane can ask, do you think we should talk about how these kinds of incidents affect our relationship? Vs. We need to talk about this, and I mean now!
| Good Effort | Not So Good Effort | |
|---|---|---|
| Express remorse and focus on yourself and what you did. Don’t try and shift focus or minimize what you did | ||
| Dick and Jane say I’m sorry for what I did and said. I shouldn’t have yelled, swore, accused, belittled, overwhelmed, etc. | I’m sorry for what I did and said. But, if you weren’t so stubborn or if you would just cooperate more, we wouldn’t have these kinds of arguments. | |
| Acknowledge the harm | ||
| I know you are hurting because of what I said or did. | This is all your fault. | |
| Take responsibility & express what you were feeling. Don’t try and deflect the blame or shift focus away to another issue. | ||
| I want you to know that I take responsibility for what I did and am willing to try and fix it. | It really wasn’t my fault, I had to go shopping. There was no food in the house. This makes it seem like you are really the victim. He’s trying to save face. I shouldn’t have done it, but your mother called and wanted to tell you that your sister finally had her baby. So, don’t give your apology, and then take it back. | |
| Offer explanation | ||
| I was just trying to help with a suggestion, but I could see how it could be construed as a criticism. | I was just trying to help, but you took it the wrong way. | |
| Offer repair | ||
| Is there anything I can do to help repair the damage? | Since help would be useless there is no point in offering. | |
| Commitment to resolution | ||
| I want you to know that I am committed to following through on as much as I can. | I would like to promise that I would follow through with this, but just to let you know… I’m really busy at work. | |
| Request forgiveness | ||
| I hope you can forgive me. | I think you need to forgive me. | |
Bottom Line: If you are not really sincere, your efforts are probably just a waste of time.