By: Charlotte Tuggle with a little help from her partner, John – April 2024
Donna was determined to join her sisters who were involved in having a serious tea party with their dolls. In an attempt to protect their play time from their determined and unreasonable little sister, they employed their usual ploy. “Ma, Donna needs a bath” which was frequently heard in the three story walkup where the Tuggle’s lived. Are you sure? Oh, were sure, her two older sisters Linda and Sheri shouted back in unison. Mom, she really needs a bath. She stinks!
Of course, Donna didn’t need a bath, and she certainly didn’t stink. In fact, because of all of the baths “suggested” by Linda and Sheri she was probably the cleanest and sweetest smelling child in the neighborhood.
However, what was once age appropriate behavior for a two or three year old was now becoming inappropriate. Unknowingly, Linda and Sheri were moving into the next phase of their lives. They were leaving the self centered world of the toddler and taking the next step on the long and perilous journey to becoming an adult.
As four and six year olds, they had become more or less proficient at figuring out what was theirs and what wasn’t and they were ready to tackle and try to understand more complex concepts like sharing. By moving away from “This is mine” to “Would you like to come to my tea party?” Linda and Sheri were considering what was better. Did they want to have tea parties or for things to be “mine”?
Sharing is a more age appropriate behavior for a five or six year old. Sharing and at least occasionally letting someone else go first is a big step for a five year old. After all, having a tea party by yourself isn’t nearly as much fun as having one with a sister or a friend.
Looking through the eyes of a toddler, Donna knew what she wanted and her big sisters should have given it to her without any further discussion. What was wrong with that? And, if they didn’t get it, she would make sure there would be consequences!
How could this be? The thought that her older sisters should have a say in the matter never crossed Donna’s mind. How could it? They were living in three different worlds and three different sets of realities. They were literally separated by time and understanding. And, that’s the way it was then, now, and forever… Without end.
And, what about mom? Being the mother of three small children who were living in three different realities with three different sets of expectations all valid and impossible to knit together was overwhelming.
Pray to accept what can and can’t be changed and be able to tell the difference and help them to adapt and accept life’s lessons and learn how to get along.
Life is a moving target. Its always changing. Just when you have everything figured out, it all changes. Whether you are leaving middle school, high school, college, or worse having to get a job… No more free lunch is the current and accepted banter. Being single, unemployed, and uninterested in the opposite sex and getting a place of your own is OK when you are twelve. Try selling it when you are thirty something. Time was moving… Everyone was getting older.
And, besides that the numbers were not good for Donna, An only child gets to have its own way a lot of the time simply because there is no one to have to accommodate or challenge them. Only the occasional tempering comment by a parent or other authority figure influences their behavior.
However, when a family has two children, selfishness often comes with a price. This is especially true if the children are unequal in size, guile or have different manipulation skills. In order to get their way, they must learn to be more accommodating of a second point of view which is an important life skill or be able to beat the crap out of the other sibling.
When it comes to families with three children the dynamics change again. Now the possibility of a situation where it is two against one exists. Trying to get your way if you are the youngest of the three children is much more difficult. It’s nobody’s fault. There isn’t much anyone can do about it. The line between sanity and insanity gets fuzzier by the minute.
When her sisters didn’t want to play with her, they were just doing what kids have always done. They were moving on. They were overcoming their naturally selfish desires i.e. This is mine. Its my toy. You can’t have it. Are the selfish thoughts of a toddler.
Moving on to concepts like its nicer if you learn to share and take turns are difficult, but quite natural. Her big sisters needed their space to learn the things they needed to learn. Important things like playing with a friend or sister which involves taking turns. Donna hadn’t yet thought this thought. That would come later.
What worked for her now was at the first available opportunity, she would undress their dolls which she saw as playing and helping her “sisters.” Their reaction was less than kind. Maaaaa! Donna undressed our dolls! We just finished dressing them and they were perfect. Now she has destroyed all of our hard work. But being fair to them, they did have a point. Donna’s idea of how to play with dolls didn’t fit into much of their activities. Once in a while was fine, frequently not so much, but unconditionally that’s just not gonna happen.
What’s a mother to do?
Like many other older sisters they had no patience or interest in including their little sister in their big girl activities. Maybe, they considered her just a baby or a toddler and unworthy of joining them. It was obvious, their skills were much more advanced. After all, dressing Barbie dolls took a high level of skill. Advanced skills and the finer points of dressing a doll were needed.
No need to work it all out now. Hopefully, in time they would come to see Donna as a precious gift from God. Till then, its jump ball.
Patience was always in short supply. Donna just wanted to play with her sisters, but try as she might she just wasn’t old enough to play dolls the “right way.” Que Sera Sera. Whatever will be, will be.