I Hate Em! (R)

By: John Silva – September 2024

HENRI TRIED TO SCREAM! I… I… I… WAS ALL HE COULD GET OUT! HE WAS SO ANGRY THE WORDS JUST STUCK IN HIS THROAT!

HE TRIED TO YELL AGAIN! I… I… I… H…A…T….E… WAS ALL THAT CAME OUT! IT WAS LIKE THE WORDS HAD CEMENTED THEMSELVES TO HIS VOCAL CHORDS!

HE TRIED TO SCREAM AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN! AND FINALLY, HE WAS ABLE TO SPEAK, AND HE SCREAMED… I HATE FLIES! I HATE FLIES! I HATE FLIES! YEP, THERE WAS NO DOUBT ABOUT IT. HENRI HATED FLIES.

My name? My name is Joe. I’m a friend of Henri’s, and I’m going to give you a bit of background as to the reason why he hates flies so much. The way he explained it to me was everytime, not just once in a while mind you, but every time he wanted to eat outdoors, those damn flies were there. Apparently, they were just waiting for him to come outside with his food, and as soon as they saw him they made a beeline straight to his food. Apparently, having the flies walk all over his breakfast, lunch or dinner and samping his food before he did wasn’t appreciated. He said that the flies were very rude and uncouth.

Joe, I hate them! They have a taste of this… and then a taste of that… they stick their disgusting proboscis in here and they stick it in there. And, all the time they are making notes in their tiny little brains as to what they are going to eat when they return to my fantastic buffet… My fantastic buffet? Where did they get that idea? I really think they are oblivious to my anger and disgust. And because they get to eat everything they want, they probably feel I’m a great guy, and I am just being exceptionally gracious to them when I lay out these fantastic banquets… just for them.

Look at em! Damn flies! They’re everywhere. Flying around and buzzing… buzz, buzz, buzz… and landing wherever they damn well please… and they do it with such impunity! They don’t have a care in the world. And, the little scavengers are probably carrying around a dozen or more different diseases on those hairy little legs and bodies.*

Henri observed, they aren’t even afraid of getting whacked. They have no fear. Slap… Damn! I missed him… see what I mean? Damn flies. Stop crawling on my leg. You… you little houligan.

Oh, this fly is a newbie. How do I know he’s a new one? Because I’ve named each of them. I think I’ll call the new guy Larry. Larry, what do you think you are doing walking all over my arms? Where’s the fly swatter? I’ll fix you.

Where’d you go? I can feel you crawling on my neck. Just because I can’t see you, doesn’t mean I don’t know what you are doing. Hey! Get off my face. Are you trying to lick me? Kiss me? What the Hell’s the matter with you? You little bastard. Stop it! No! I won’t have you crawling inside my nose… and get off my ear… when you crawl on me, your feet tickle. What are you doing now? Are you trying to crawl into my ear canal? Get out of there! Damn it! You’re disgusting!

And, Joe, don’t even get me started about eating at outdoor restaurants… forget it… outdoor restaurants are even worse. You’d think restaurant owners would do something about the flies. Look at em! They fly from this table to that table and back to this table and on and on until they have left their smelly little footprints on every table and all of the food!

They land on your hair, and crawl all over it and in it taunting you as they stroll about nonchalantly… flying from curl to curl and person to person. They mock you and invite you to try and hit them. Then they laugh hysterically when you miss them and they stick out their proboscis at you. To make matters worse, when you miss which is almost always, the only thing you hit is your own head. The flies dare you to smack em. They fly around your ears, buzzing you and then off they go to bug some other diner.

Look at him. The little bastard! Ugh! He’s walking all over my freshly steamed asparagus and licking the melted butter I just spread on em. He has absolutely no fear. He’s so brazen. Who knows where the little son-of-a-bitch and his buddies have been? They’ve probably been walking and snacking on a pile of dog poop, and now there on my asparagus! Ugh!

And, such was Henri’s experience with flies. Actually, Henri really did have a problem with flies!

Back in his office, Henri was still recovering from last night’s awesome party. He was a rolling stone, a vagabond, wafting around the office oblivious to gravity. He was awake, but in a dream… drifting in zero gravity. What a celebration BioTechEngineering (BTE), Ltd. had put together for him! It was incredible, awesome, spectacular… It was prodigious! He still couldn’t believe how opulent and sumptuous it was. Lavish doesn’t even come close to describing the event. After working his butt off for over thirty years, and having worked in every division of the corporation, he was now the top dog. He had finally made it!

And this morning… the morning after the party. Henri was enjoying the rich aroma of the private blend coffee brewed to his exact specifications in the new two thousand dollar barista the company provided for him and their clients. All the while, he was enjoying the spectacular view of downtown Seattle from his spacious new office. Actually, it was a bit more than spacious. It was the entire top floor of the new fiftyeight story Bio Tech Engineering high rise. BTE was a giant corporation involved in all phases of genetic engineering, the hottest new sector of the economy. And, the office was just one of the many perks that came with the job.

Probably for the third time this morning, he reflected on last night’s spectacular open air celebration on the forty first floor of the Manhattan building. They dined at Richio’s Mediterranean Ristorante where his friend, Master chef Bernardo Chavez Rigoberto, had created a simply transcendent steak dinner to honor him.

The huge slightly marbled ribeye was prepared medium rare and was as tender and light as a fluffy souffle. It was absolutely luscious and delectable! The sauteed mushrooms were bathing in their own pool of an incredible au jus and each bite of the lavish dinner was a flamboyant and exuberant experience making the dinner a truly glorious experience. Each delicious mouthful dissolved in his mouth creating a magnificent texture oozing with flavors that were enhanced with the wonderful aromas wafting around him. The steaming baked potato and the side of fresh cut french green beans dripping in melted butter… and, that damn fly.

That was it! Time was up for the little nasties. The thought that they had recently been residing in the porta potties and garbage dumps of the city caused his stomach to twist into a knot. No more Mr. Nice Guy! He would kick their piss ant little asses and smash their tiny brains into microscopic bits of gloppy goo.

As BTE’s new CEO, he had resolved to rid the world of this nauseating pestilence. His plan was to rocket the company into unprecedented fame by being the first corporation in the history of the world to tackle the problem of flies.

He would eradicate Musca domestica. He intended to use every resource available to him at BTE to obliterate every fly in the Seattle area, and then the world. His plan was for BTE to lead the charge against this entire genome. He envisioned the other mega genetic corporations uniting with him, and joining his quest… no, this would not be a quest. It would be a mission. A mission to annihilate every damn fly on the planet.

Amazeingly, in just one year, the research scientists at BTE had mastered the intricacies of the CRISPR technology and they were able to splice the proteins they had synthesized and genetically altered into the DNA and RNA of the flies rendering them sterile. With no new files being hatched, the flies died off in a few short weeks. Henri had won the war! At least this tiny part of it. Yea! Hip, Hip, Horrah! Incredibly, all of the flies in the Seattle metropolitan area were gone!

SCORE: Henri… one! Flies… zero

Months later, after running some tests and giving Henri a thorough examination, his doctors scheduled a meeting to discuss the results with him. Henri had been experiencing repeated bouts of dizziness, and he had an overall feeling of apathy, indifference, and detachment. He felt his thinking was frequently clouded, and he often felt he was a fog of uncertainty.

His symptoms were shocking. His scalp itched constantly, and often bled because he scratched it so violently. Additionally, angry red blotches and scabs covered most of his head. He had lost most of his hair, and he had taken to wearing a wig to hide the repulsive and hideous ooze his scalp had become. Occasionally, the protruding pustules on his scalp, oozed a yellowish green pus that gave off a particularly putrid stench. Of most concern to his doctors was his skull. It was no longer rigid. It had become soft and rubbery.

The first MRI’s and CT scans were disconcerting. The large black areas of the brain could indicate dementia, lesions, neuroferritinopathy, multiple sclerosis, inflammation, or even fluid inversion (FLAIR). However, the second round of tests taken only a week later were well beyond their comprehension or understanding. The area where his brain tissue was located was now totally black… which meant there was nothing there.

Exploratory surgery on his skull confirmed that his brain was gone… that’s right… totally gone. Apparently, the flies had somehow penetrated his skull and laid their eggs directly on his brain, and subsequently the newly hatched larvae, finding his brain tasty… ate it. Where his brain had once been there was now a large hive with tens of thousands of tiny hungry larvae. Apparently, after eating Henri’s brain the larvae’s DNA and RNA fused with Henri’s DNA and RNA, which resulted in a splendidly wicked and magnificent gene pool. With this new high octane set of genes the flies quickly morphed. Soon the flies had increased their intellectual abilities to such an extent that they were able to hardwired Henri’s brain stem to the hive.

Within days the flies had taken complete control of his body, and now they controlled him. He had become a zombie of sorts. The flies with their newly enriched DNA and RNA and their greatly enhanced intelligence, fabricated a new brain for Henri which they programmed. It forced him to first protect the hive and then to actively propagate the new genetically altered larva into a type of super fly.

Because of the short twenty four hour gestation period and their new and improved DNA and RNA the number of super flies grew at an unbelievable rate. In just a week’s time they could be found on every continent.

The entire population of earth was soon infected and quickly morphed into a strange type of zombie apocalypse. At first, it was thought that the global infection was being orchestrated by China, Russia, North Korea, and Iran in an attempt to take over the world. This resulted in the world’s entire arsenal of nuclear missiles targeting these countries.

However, it was soon determined that this was not the case, and the code red was deactivated. However, new conspiracy theories flooded the information networks. Some thought, perhaps a Martian invasion had occurred, or a mad rogue scientist was the cause, or that aliens had arrived via an asteroid, or mutations caused by the sun’s hyper radiation, or some virus from a distant part of the universe was the cause. The humans never did figure out what really happened and the zombies… they didn’t really care.

Final Score: Flies… one! Humans… zero!

For the academic scholar interested in additional information, I have included the following information.

FlyBase Homepage

FlyBase

FlyBase: a database for drosophila genetics and molecular biology.

‎FlyBase:About · ‎Fly Board · ‎FlyBase:Nomenclature · ‎Fly Lab List

By: John Silva – September 2024

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