As told to Johnny Boy by Charlotte Tuggle – April 2024
Donna was determined to join her sisters who were involved in a serious tea party with their dolls. In an attempt to protect their play time from their determined and unreasonable little sister. They employed their usual ploy. “Ma, Donna needs a bath” which was frequently heard in the three story walkup where the Tuggle’s lived. Are you sure? Oh, were sure, her two older sisters Linda and Sheri shouted back in unison. Mom, she really needs a bath. She stinks!
Of course, Donna didn’t need a bath, and she certainly didn’t stink. In fact, because of all of the baths “suggested” by Linda and Sheri she was probably the cleanest and sweetest smelling child in the neighborhood.
However, what was once age appropriate behavior for Linda and Sheri was now becoming inappropriate. Unknowingly, the older sisters were moving into the next phase of their lives. They were leaving the self centered world of the toddler and taking the next step on the long and perilous journey to becoming an adult.
As four and six year olds, they had become more or less proficient at figuring out what was theirs and what wasn’t and they were ready to tackle more complex concepts like sharing. By moving away from “This is mine” to “Would you like to come to my tea party?” Linda and Sheri were changing how they related to others and themselves.
This model is more age appropriate behavior involving the concept of sharing and at least occasionally letting someone else go first. After all, having a tea party by yourself now isn’t nearly as much fun as having one with a sister or a friend.
However, looking through the eyes of a toddler, Donna knew what she wanted and her big sisters should give it to her without further discussion. What was wrong with that? And, if they didn’t get it, she would make sure there would be consequences!
The thought that her older sisters should have a say in the matter never crossed Donna’s mind. How could it? They were living in three different worlds and three different sets of realities. They were literally separated by time and understanding. And, that’s the way it was then, now, and forever… without end.
And, what about mom? Being the mother of three small children who were living in three different realities with three different sets of expectations all valid and all conflicting was overwhelming and impossible to comprehend.
The slightly modified prayer to accept what can be changed and what can’t and to be able to tell the difference was helpful. Also, realizing that life is a moving target, and it’s always changing was insightful. And, knowing that just when you have everything figured out, it is all going to change is another helpful thought.
Whether you are leaving preschool, middle school, high school, college, or having to get a job… There are going to be fewer and fewer free lunches.
Being single, unemployed, uninterested in sex, and getting a place of your own is OK when you are twelve. Try selling that to someone in their thirties… not so much… time keeps moving… Everyone keeps getting older.
And, if that wasn’t enough, the numbers were not good for Donna. An only child gets to have its own way a lot of the time simply because there is no one to challenge them. Only the occasional comment by a parent or other authority figure influences their behavior.
However, when a family goes from one to two children, selfishness often comes with a price. This is especially true if the children are unequal in size, guile or have different manipulative skills. In order to get their way, they must learn to be more accommodating of a second point of view which is an important life skill. Or, be able to beat the crap out of the other sibling.
When it comes to families with three children the dynamics change again. Now the possibility of two against one exists. Trying to get your way if you are the youngest of the three children is much more difficult. It’s nobody’s fault. And, there isn’t much anyone can do about it. The line between sanity and insanity gets fuzzier and fuzzier.
And when Donna’s sisters didn’t want to play with her. It had very little to do with Donna. They were just doing what kids have always done. They were moving on. Linda and Sheri were overcoming their naturally selfish desires, but Donna wasn’t quite there yet. She was still in “this is my toy and you can’t have it” mode which made her an unattractive playmate.
The concept that everything included her space and time were not exclusively hers was difficult for Donna to understand. On the other hand, her big sisters needed their space to learn the things they needed to learn. Important things like playing with a friend or sister often involve taking turns. Donna hadn’t yet developed the concept of taking turns. That would come later for her.
What worked best for Donna was at the first available opportunity, she would undress Linda and Sheri’s dolls… which she saw as playing… just like her sisters were playing when they dressed their dolls. She was also playing. She didn’t yet see the difference.
Linda and Sheri’s reaction was less than kind. Maaaaa! Donna undressed our dolls again! We just finished dressing them and they were perfect. Now, she’s undone all of our hard work, and we have to do it all over again.
Why did you let her? Mom, we just went to the bathroom for a minute. Well, when you snooze you lose.
Linda and Sheri were pros; they could skillfully dress and undress their dolls in the blink of an eye. However, Donna’s little fingers weren’t very good at dressing Barbie dolls… yet.
Being fair to Linda and Sheri, they did have a point. Donna’s idea of how to play with dolls simply didn’t fit into their evolving concept of play.
They would have had to be saints to accept her unconditionally. Once in a while was OK…maybe, all of the time unlikely, but unconditionally… that’s just wasn’t going to happen.
What’s a mother to do?
Like many other older sisters, Linda and Sheri had no patience or interest in including their little sister in “their” big girl activities. To them Donna was a baby. She was beneath them… unworthy. It was obvious, and plain to see their skills were much more advanced. Dressing Barbie dolls took a high level of skill which Donna hadn’t yet attained. Donna simply didn’t have the dexterity to button dresses. Linda and Sher often found it difficult to appreciate Donna as a precious gift from God which is how their mother considered each of her precious daughters.
Patience was a virtue that was usually in short supply. Donna just wanted to play with her sisters, but try as she might she just didn’t understand how to play dolls the “right way.”