pushing back (PG 13 language)
By: John Silva
When you get yet another unwanted robocall, here are some of stock answers which you can use to fight back. If it helps you to release that pent up anger, add as many additional responses as you like. Be creative, inconsiderate, rude, stupid, offensive, etc. In other words, respond in a totally appropriate way.
Them: Hello Mr.Silva, my name is _________, and I’m calling from the Big Box company.
You: Wait! Hold it! Stop right there!
- I told you not to call me again! And, I also told you I didn’t kill that guy. But, if you keep calling me, I’ll have the boys make a special pair of concrete boots just for you, and when the concrete gets nice and hard and heavy they will take you down to the lake and drop you in. Of course you can walk on the bottom of the lake and try to make it to the shore until you run out of air. GOT IT? ANY QUESTIONS? NOW, BEAT IT YOU… JERK! CLICK.
- I’m so glad you called. Uncle Gabe on my mother’s side was just here. You only missed him by about three and four-eighths of a minute. I’m sure he’d like to hear everything that you got to say. You remember uncle Gabe don’t you? No? Well, let me draw you a mental picture. He’s about six foot five and seven-thirty seconds of an inch tall. He’s as dumb as an ox, and he will kick your ass all the way to the north pole if I ask him to. Get it? And, besides that he never finished high school because he had the measles for about five years, and they didn’t want him walking to school as that could heal him too quick.
Now, he has to find a job, but nobody wants to hire him because he drools a lot, hasn’t had a bath in a year or two, and when he breaks wind its really bad. God, it could knock you off a horse. Usually about now, the no good bastards will hang up. But, if they don’t, just keep feeding them whatever B.S they deserve. Eventually, it will sink in that they are getting played. - Kelly’s Bar and Grill. It’s your dime, start talking. Joe? Hey, everybody, listen up! Is there a Joe here? Nope… there is no Joe here. But, we do have a Josephine here that we sometimes call Jo. Would you like to talk to her? Hey, Josephine come over here. Some guy wants to talk to you. Yeah, this is Josephine. What you want? Oh, really? You gonna put free solar panels on my house. Well, you can take those solar panels and shove them up where the sun don’t shine. Do you get what I’m a saying.
- Hey mom, this guy wants to give you free tires for your car. She says that’s fine. Mom, the guys say the tires are free. She says that’s fine. But you have to pay the shipping cost which is $374 a tire. She says that’s fine too. Mom, he wants to know if you are gonna pay by check? She says no. Mom, you gonna pay with a credit card? She says no. Mom, are you gonna pay with cash? She says no. Mom, the guy wants to know how you gonna pay for the shipping? She says she’s gonna use her food stamps. Mom, the guy says he is withdrawing his offer. She says that’s fine.
- It’s about time you called. We have been waiting for over a week for your call which isn’t too bad…considering. Momma wants you to ride her over to the holler. It’s been over fifteen years since she visited with her relatives down there, and she wants to see everyone. You know, she misses jabbering and jawing with her kids and wants to hear about all that’s new. And, then she wants to hear all about their kids and their kid’s kids. And, she has got to hold all of the new babies on her lap and tell each of them a story as long as they pee or poop on her… then she gives them back.
All you gotta do is wait at each house for her to say hello and get all the news she’s missed. How many relatives does she have? Don’t know for sure, but probably thirty or forty if you count the ones that are still alive. Does she have directions? Of course she has! Well, sorta. They don’t have street signs down in the holler, so you just drive down the main road which is a single lane dirt road. You do have four wheel drive, don’t you? Going up and down the hills can be a bit tricky… especially, after a few storms come through one after the other. Mom, he wants to know which houses have a relative of yours. She says it doesn’t matter. One way or the other they’re all related. - She has dementia, and she needs a ride so she can visit her friends. But, she’s forgotten where they live, so you will have to help her find them. You do have GPS, don’t you?
- Well, well, well I’ve been expecting your call. Just a minute till I get my lawyer on the line. I’m gonna nail your dumb ass to the wall! Don’t you know you’re supposed to use condoms.
- You have a lot of damn nerve calling me. God! How’d you get to be so dumb. Absolutely not! You and Mary Sue can’t move in here with me. When was the last time you were here? You moron, it’s a one room apartment! Get your own damn one room apartment. You knocked her up, and now she’s all yours. Oh, and maybe you‘d better start thinking about getting a job you lazy SOB!