By: John Silva – September 1995
Yep, there was no doubt about it. He was the best! There wasn’t anyone in the whole of Boone County that could hold a candle to him. He was the sneakiest, most conniving, lowdown polecat that you would ever meet. There wasn’t anything that could stop him…nothing was sacred. When old Joe got it into his head to play a practical joke…no one was safe…not even God Himself.
Now, old Joe wasn’t of a mind to play just any old joke. No siree. When old Joe played one of his jokes, it had to be a thing of beauty. He took his time and carefully crafted his jokes making sure that every detail was perfect.
Why I remember the time he played a joke on poor ole Mary Lou. Now granted, Mary Lou wasn’t the sharpest knife in the drawer, but you see that’s what was so special about old Joe. Each of his jokes were custom made to fit his victim perfectly…nothing was left to chance.
As best as I can recall, old Joe hired Mary Lou to keep house for him back in the summer of eighty-three. Mary Lou didn’t suspect a thing. She really thought old Joe had hired her to help him out, but nothing could have been further from the truth. No Siree, old Joe was just setting up his trick, and it was gonna cost him a pile of money to hire her for a whole month, but it would be worth it. Old Joe lived quite a distance from town which fit his plans just right. To save Mary Lou the long trip back and forth to town each day, he said she could sleep in the woodshed. Mary Lou was all for it. Now, Mary Lou wasn’t an ugly girl, but she wasn’t any beauty either. But you see, she was just a wee bit overweight…and that would be her downfall. Old Joe would see to that.
In his most sly fashion, he just let it kinda slip out. He didn’t say anything directly, but he slid it in just as smooth as could be. He planted that thought so gently that Mary Lou never heard a word of it. But, when she bent over to pick up the butter churn, she thought she felt her dress tighten just a wee bit about her waist. As each day went by, Mary Lou became just a bit more self-conscious of her weight. About the second week, it was really beginning to gnaw at her. She started eating less and less. She even gave up her favorite foods like ham hocks and pigs feet but to no avail. It seemed like the less she ate the fatter she got.
Well, old Mary Lou, not being too bright and all, mentioned her problem to old Joe who could hardly keep a straight face. But, keep a straight face, he did. And, he was the most compassionate and understanding boss there ever was. Why, he was even helpful. He did everything in his power to help this poor girl to lose weight.
It was a very hot summer, and Mary Lou bout killed herself running round n’ round the house, the barn and the chicken coop. Old Joe even had her chopping wood and putting it in the shed. He had her doing pushups, situps, and jumping jacks till she bout died. Afterward, old Joe took Mary Lou down to the lake so she could swim out to the raft and back to the pier. Not just two or three times mind you but twenty-five times…every day. And, so it went day after day. But no matter how much Mary Lou exercised and how little she ate, she kept gaining weight. She was about to lose her mind when old Joe finally let up…a bit.
Mary Lou was in such a state of mind that she would have done just about anything to solve her problem…which was exactly where old Joe wanted her. Now, old Joe wasn’t an evil man or even a mean man…he just didn’t know when to let go when he was doing one of his practical jokes.
Poor Mary Lou…she fell for it hook, line and sinker. His tale, of an old “Secret Remedy” that had been passed down to him by an old injun squaw just before she died, was truth enough for Mary Lou. Willingly, she traded her only dress for an old potato sack and proceeded to cover herself with grease. Then she rolled about in a pile of chicken feathers…just like old Joe told her to.
Next, she took off a running backward all the way to town and yelling at the top of her lungs. And what was she yelling as loud as she could? Well, chicken noises…what else? And, whenever she saw a man she had to kiss him three times. Now you can imagine what the men in town thought when they saw Mary Lou a coming down the street running backward in a potato sack and covered from head to toe with chicken feathers making chicken noises and kissing every man she saw. Yes sir, it was quite a sight, and people talked about that day for years and years. In fact, I still hear the story being told every now and then. Of course, it gets better with each telling.
Now, when Mary Lou got back to old Joe’s place, she was a bright pink from being so embarrassed and all…which made the sight of her all the more hysterical. Well, old Joe thought he would explode from not laughing his head off, but he kept it in and told Mary Lou to get her dress and go down to the lake and wash up because she had been cured. Mary Lou took off so fast that on her way to the lake she passed three deer trying to get out of her way.
When she got back to the house, she was grinning from ear to ear. The secret remedy had worked. In fact, she was the thinnest she had ever been. Now, Mary Lou was not the kind of a person to keep a good thing to herself. She was soon telling her story to everyone in town. The whole town was abuzz about the “Special Remedy”, and how it had done wonders for Mary Lou. News of this sort does not go unnoticed in a small town, and soon it was common to see women dressed in potato sacks covered with feathers running backward all around town making chicken noises and kissing every man they saw. Why one day, I saw fifteen women running about doing the “Special Remedy.”
When the other women didn’t lose any weight, even though they did the “Special Remedy” several times a day trying to get the technique just right, the chicken ladies as they were called, got to be fewer and fewer.
After a while, Old Joe couldn’t take it anymore. If he didn’t tell someone, he would just burst. So on Saturday afternoon at the general store where all the men had come to chat and tell their stories as was their habit, old Joe told them how he had ticked Mary Lou. When the men heard what old Joe had done, they started to laugh…and once they started laughing they couldn’t stop. They laughed so hard they fell off of their stools and fell on the floor and they were still laughing. And when the laughter was about to die down, someone would start laughing and they would all join in. They laughed so hard they thought their ribs would break.
When the women folk heard all of the laughter, they began to gather around the general store, and when they found out what old Joe had done they lit out after him like banshees from hell. They chased Joe all afternoon.
After a couple of weeks, when all of the commotion died down, and the ladies got to thinking about it, they began to have a chuckle or two themselves. After a time, old Joe could even come to town and not be chased by the chicken ladies.
News of the “Special Remedy” traveled far and wide, and old Joe became somewhat of a legend in these parts. Even to this day when you hear peals of laughter, you know someone’s telling how old Joe snuck into the shed each night and stitched up the seams of Mary Lou’s dress ever, ever so slightly.
Writer’s question: When I wrote this piece, I was trying to write it in the style of one of my favorite authors. Can you guess which one?